


How do you sleep? when you lie to me

by reginalpgtz



Category: Naruto
Genre: Community: kakairu, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love, M/M, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Requited Love, Sad with a Happy Ending, Short One Shot, True Love, kakairu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27277198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reginalpgtz/pseuds/reginalpgtz
Summary: Iruka and Kakashi have been dating for a little over two years. When they move in together, things seem to be going great, at least Iruka thinks so, until they aren't anymore. Kakashi starts acting odd, disappearing at times, lying about his location and mumbling weird stuff in his sleep. Iruka can't take it anymore and he decides to find out what's going on.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 6
Kudos: 79





	How do you sleep? when you lie to me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first work on AO3 and for the Kakairu ship, so be kind :) I hope you like it.
> 
> (the story has references to sex, depression and emotional pain, read with care)

Iruka studied Kakashi’s face from his side of the bed. There was something odd in the copy-nin’s expression that made his stomach twist. 

They had been dating just over two years. It really hadn’t been a great time for both of them after Naruto left to train with Jiraiya-sama and Kakashi had just lost his three students. They started bonding easily. One would go to the other’s apartment to check up on him.   
They’d both felt quite lonely, but Kakashi was a wonderful cook and he’d often brought delicious meals to Iruka. He wasn’t nearly as talented, but he compensated by bringing him some ramen from Ichiraku’s when it was his turn. 

They’d stay up all night sharing stories about the children, mostly Naruto, and though Kakashi had tried to play it cool most times, it was evident he missed them.

Overtime, their friendship blossomed into something more, and eventually those dinners ended with both of them tangled between the sheets and heaving with exhaustion. 

They had tried to keep their relationship private, but eventually everyone in Konoha found out anyway. Iruka had been uncomfortable at first, with everyone knowing and gossiping about them, but eventually he found a strange sense of freedom. He felt more confident holding his lover’s hand in public and exchanging flirty comments in front of everyone. 

He then got the courage to ask his boyfriend to move in with him. He was nervous about doing it, but was pleasantly surprised by his boyfriend’s almost-too-quick yes. 

He thought things were going well. They’d fallen into a nice homely routine in which neither of them felt pressured to be anything else than they were. Iruka was so glad to have his beautiful jounin waiting for him after a long day at the academy, and he loved caring for Kakashi after he came back from an exhausting mission. Everything was fine and he’d even started thinking about asking Kakashi to marry him, but the past few days, had instilled doubts in Iruka’s mind.

It started a week ago when Iruka noticed that Kakashi had started leaving their bed at night. He’d woken up once at midnight for a glass of water when he noticed his loved one wasn’t lying next to him. He didn’t think much about it and went back to bed. When he woke up again in the morning, the silver haired beauty was sprawled in bed deeply asleep. 

At the moment, he thought maybe he’d imagined it, then, he’d caught the copy-nin in a lie. He’d told him was going to meet Gai Sensei to discuss a few work related things. It was usual, so it never crossed his mind that it would be a lie. He’d decided to run a few errands while his boyfriend was busy, but he ran into Gai at the store. When he asked about Kakashi’s whereabouts and their reunion, Gai showed no signs of knowing about it. 

“I haven’t seen him in a while Iruka-san,” said Gai apologetically “though it would be nice to hang out with him, I miss our challenges”  
Iruka was surprised by this, Kakashi wasn’t the lying type and he didn’t want to embarrass him with his friend, so he mentioned nothing more of it. He apologized to Gai for the confusion and left with a short farewell and pink cheeks.

When they were both back home, he meant to ask Kakashi what had happened, surely it had been a confusion, but backed down when he noticed his boyfriend was acting distant and gloomy.

It was true that the copy-nin wasn’t the most cheerful person ever, but he’d barely said two words during dinner and had flinched when Iruka tried to hug him afterwards. Then it clicked that something was definitely going on with him. 

That night, Iruka didn’t fall asleep. He’d stayed awake and heard how Kakashi left their bed. He’d been careful, thinking Iruka was still asleep, he hadn’t even put on shoes. What if something happened to him? What if he stepped on something sharp? 

While Kakashi was gone, Iruka sat up and cried. He didn’t want to lose him, but what if he had found someone else. He knew he wasn’t the best boyfriend always, but they’d been happy. Hadn’t they?

They loved the same kids, they made each other laugh, their sex was fantastic, he got along amazingly with the ninken, and he was even starting to pick up a few tricks from Kakashi’s cooking, but most importantly, he couldn’t imagine his life without his beautiful jounin anymore. 

He grabbed Kakashi’s pillow and sobbed into it, his whole body shaking with fear. He imagined his face while smelling his sweet scent and pleaded to the universe to let him keep his loved one. 

When he heard the front door open he threw the pillow back to its place, wrapped himself in the blankets and pretended to be asleep again. 

He felt Kakashi’s fingers stroke his loose hair tenderly. The gesture sent shivers down Iruka’s spine and he just wished he had the courage to turn around and confront him, but he was too scared about what he might find out. 

When he was sure Kakashi was asleep he turned around and stared into his face. He didn’t look peaceful, it seemed as if he were fighting a battle in his dreams. . A few moments later, Kakashi started thrashing around the bed and mumbling desperately. Iruka couldn't understand a word he was saying, but was paralyzed with fear. 

What if it was a name? What if Kakashi had found someone else and just didn't want to tell him?

Too shaken to fall asleep again, and disturbed by Kakashi’s muttering, he got up and walked to the kitchen. He made himself a cup of tea and settled on the couch, where he stayed staring out the window and imagining a reality where everything was okay again. Where he could trust his boyfriend, and his boyfriend could trust him. 

——

The last few nights the same thing had happened, Iruka pretended to be asleep, Kakashi got up and left, then he’d sob himself raw until he came back. Then Kakashi would sleep unsteadily and mutter unrecognizable words, Iruka would get up, and stare at the darkness until morning came. Then they would both act as if nothing had happened and continue about their days. 

Their dinners were left uneaten, their interactions brief and their sex sorrowful. It seemed as if there was so much both of them wanted to say but it kept getting stuck at the back of their throats. 

I just need to know if he still loves me, Iruka told himself. All this was driving him mad. A month ago he was thinking about choosing an engagement ring, and now he didn’t know if Kakashi would come back at night. What if one day he just stopped returning to their bed?

They both had dark circles around their eyes and had lost so much weight. Their faces had turned gaunt and now they couldn’t even stare into each other’s eyes before one of them became embarrassed and looked away. 

At the Academy, people were starting to notice Iruka’s state. His usually neat ponytail became messier everyday, and his uniform was too filthy because he kept putting off washing it. The other teachers stared at him and muttered behind his back, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The only person he cared about was hiding something from him and he was too much of a coward to find out what was going on. 

One day Konohamaru popped right beside him with the same mischief smile he’d had since he was little. He hadn’t seen the kid in a while, and though seeing him sparked a little joy in him, he quickly descended back into the sadness again.

“Iruka sensei?” Asked Konohamaru

“Huh? Did you say something to me?” he replied, snapping out of his usual Kakashi-related-depressing train of thought.

“I just asked if you were okay. You look terrible.” Said the child. “And also I was wondering if you would buy me some ramen. I know I’m not Naruto Onii-chan, but I’m hungry after the mission we just had and I really miss hanging out with you.”

Iruka agreed, after all, he didn’t have anything better to do, except mope around and scold himself at his inability to fix his problems with Kakashi.

They walked to Ichiraku’s and sat next to each other on the stools. They ordered a large bowl of ramen each, and at some point Iruka started to get comfortable hearing Konohamaru go on about his missions and how he was going to become the best shinobi in Konoha. 

Iruka felt himself loosen up a bit, and before he could stop himself he blurted out “Kakashi is not okay and I’m afraid I’m going to lose him if I don’t do something about it”

Did I just? Did I just blurt out my problems to a 12 year old kid? What kind of a teacher am I? The worst probably.

Konohamaru stared at him with big eyes, dumbfounded. Iruka’s cheeks started to burn and he was ashamed of himself for having put the kid in this position. Then, Konohamaru shook his head and spoke.

“Sensei, you have always told me to chase my dreams. You told me if I work hard enough, I would be as great as Naruto onii-chan, so if Kakashi Sensei is your dream, you should go after him and never give up.”

Iruka’s heart started to beat differently. He’d twisted everything up in his mind, and now a kid was here giving him the advice he had given in the first place.

“I’m sure Kakashi Sensei still loves you, I’ve eavesdropped on a lot of people who say you two might even get married soon. They say he stares at you like you’re a character out of his books, whatever that means.”

The last comment made Iruka laugh hard. He wanted to scold him for eavesdropping, but the situation was just funny. If only the kid knew what type of books Kakashi read. But maybe it was true. Maybe he did stare at him like he was someone out of his smutty novels. Maybe he still loved him and that wasn’t the problem. Maybe he should go and chase him because the man was and would always be his dream.

With his newfound courage. Iruka got up and kissed Konohamaru on top of the head. He paid for their meal and left running back home.

His whole body trembled and he was pacing around the apartment thinking how to approach things with Kakashi. He wanted to be gentle, and not scare him off, but at the same time he wanted to be decisive. If he was going through something he would support him, and by some reason if he was seeing someone else, he would wish them luck and step out of his life. After all, he only cared about Kakashi’s happiness. 

Their dinner passed in the same excruciating way as always, they did the dishes and they headed back to bed without a word passing by them, but Iruka was calm, because tonight he would put an end to whatever was going on.

Iruka waited until Kakashi got up and then he followed him from afar. They crossed all of Konoha and he wasn’t sure where Kakashi was going. The cold was streaking his face, and he regretted not bringing anything to cover himself up, but he’d been too nervous, he still was.

His heart thumped wildly inside his chest and he paused for a minute when he noticed they were heading out the gates. When they reached the forest he saw Kakashi climb a tree way up high and settle on a tree branch. 

He was staring at something in the distance. His figure looked perfect, and he could almost see a silver lining around him, just as if he were a cloud. Iruka’s heart melted a little and then he clumsily tried to climb the tree to reach him.

Halfway up, he placed his foot wrong and slipped. As he fell down, a dozen branches broke making a ton of noise and little cuts on his body. He hit the ground with a dry thud and looked up, his head dizzy.

This was NOT what he had in mind for tonight. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them, Kakashi’s face was right in front of him.

“Can you just explain what you’re doing here, my love?” Asked the Copy-Nin

Kakashi settled down next to him and put Iruka’s head gently on his lap, careful not to hurt him any more than he already was. 

Iruka couldn’t hold it in any longer and broke down crying.

“I know you’ve been leaving our bed at night. I know you lie to me when you say you go out. I have heard you mutter in your sleep, though I can’t make out the words. How can you sleep when you know you're lying to me? I can’t take it anymore.” He was cut off by a violent sob, and continued when he regained his composure. “We’re not the same. You’re distant, our sex feels empty and I can’t take it anymore. You are the most precious thing in my life and if there’s something bothering you, share it with me. I can help you carry the load. And if you don’t want me anymore just tell me.”

A pang of guilt struck Kakashi hard. It was as if he’d just been punched in the chest and woke up again in reality. 

“Iruka I could never stop wanting you, you’re too perfect. Too gentle.” He stopped to take a breath. “I’m so sorry I haven’t let you in. I’m sorry I’ve been like this, but you deserve the truth.”

Another pause. He had to gather courage to say this.

“I’ve been struggling with depression for a while. I tried to hide it from you, because I didn’t want you to think I was broken. I didn’t want to push you away, but lately I’ve been feeling that I’m not enough for you, I’m not enough for anyone. I’d gotten better when I had the kids. Team seven filled the hole in my heart for a while, but I failed them too. I lost Sasuke, I couldn’t protect him, and Naruto, oh you should’ve seen him. How broken he was when I picked him up after the fight. It was my fault. And Sakura probably hates me for it, I lost her two best friends. I lost them and I probably don’t deserve them back. But I miss them so much. I know Naruto is better off with Jiraiya sama and Sakura is doing great with Tsunade hime, but I miss them so much.   
And you, oh Iruka. You’ve been so precious, so wonderful. You’re more than I’ve ever dreamed of. Your laughter makes me forget my name and your eyes, those eyes, I wish I could dive into them. You’re such a great boyfriend, always thinking about me, every single detail. You know what it’s like to care for others, you have the most sincere soul and the worst thing is I know you love me. This wretched thing.  
I’m scared I’ll lead you down the same path I have taken everyone else. What if I fail you like I always have?” Tears slid silently down his face and seeped into his mask. One after the other, like a gentle waterfall. His visible eye was bright red.

“I’m worthless, Iruka, and you’re too precious to be stuck with me.”

Iruka’s heart squeezed inside him.

“Listen to me Kakashi. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re not worthless. You’re kind, incredibly smart and funny. You are important to so many people, like Gai, Asuma and Kurenai. Tsunade hime respects you so much, you’re so talented. Jiraiya-Sama also appreciates you so much, after all you’re his most committed reader. The kids admire you a lot, and they probably are a little bit scared of you. And Naruto and Sakura? They love you so much. You may think you failed them, but I’m sure they don’t feel that way. You saved Naruto’s life and Sakura is so grateful for that. What happened to Sasuke is not your fault, and I’m sure the kids will do everything to bring him back, with you, as a team. I don’t know when Naruto will back, but he’s getting stronger so he can get Sasuke back, and he’ll want you on his team. They both look up to you so much. And I, let’s just say I was prepared to die for you. You’re everything to me, Kakashi.  
Now I can’t promise I can cure your depression, but I’ll walk you to therapy every time, i’ll listen to you when you need me to, and I’ll hold you in my arms as long as you’ll let me. I’ll be with you every step of the way, and things will get better. I want you in my life, and I want you to be well, so never be ashamed of your depression, because it’s a path I’m willing to walk with you, I want you in the light and in the darkness. I want you at all times.”

Iruka tried to sit up, but his body didn’t respond. Instead he was filled with pain. Kakashi noticed, so lowered his mask and leaned down to press his mouth against Iruka’s. The kiss was like a salve on both men’s wounds. It filled them with warmth and now that everything was out, they both knew they would be alright as long as they had each other.

“Let’s go home” said Iruka, breaking the kiss.

“Hold on, my love.” Kakashi stood up and carefully scooped Iruka up from the ground. He carried his boyfriend all the way to their house, and once they got there, he placed him on the bed and planted kisses on his forehead. If this man was curing his soul, the least he could do was tend to his body. Besides it would be a pleasure to nurse his loved one back to health. Now that he had let go of what had been hurting him, he felt he could take on everything, even his depression. 

Iruka looked angelical lying down on the bed. His soft hair had streaks of gold and fell around him in a way that framed his kind face. Kakashi dabbed at the cuts with some cotton and a disinfecting solution and finishing off with a little kiss on each wound.

“You’re the best nurse ever” said Iruka, making Kakashi smile under his mask.

“Well that’s because I have such a beautiful patient”

——

Some weeks after, after Iruka had fully healed and Kakashi had started going to therapy, Iruka heard a rumor. 

Jiraiya-sama has been spotted near Konoha 

He knew what this meant and his heart started racing. He had a plan to put to action. Kakashi had been doing so much better. He was eating and putting on weight, and actually looked forward to his visits to the therapist’s office. Their relationship felt much more solid and they were working to build a better communication and trust between them. He knew he wanted to be with Kakashi always, even if he relapsed, he’d still be here to pick him up. 

Iruka visited a few stores and made sure to tell Sakura, and when Naruto returned, everything was ready.

——-  
Kakashi walked up to his and Iruka’s apartment, but somehow it felt weird. He could sense more people in there. A shiver crept up his spine. What if Iruka was in danger? He was prepared to fight anyone who dared touch his beloved. After all they’d been through, he wasn’t going to lose him

He lifted his headband, revealing his sharingan, prepared a kunai in his hand and opened the door. 

He froze when he saw who was inside and soon he was wrapped in Sakura’s and Naruto’s arms. Even though he’d never admitted it, he’d longed for this hug for so much time. He allowed himself to be held by his pupils, enjoying every second.

When they let him go, he looked around and saw Gai, Kurenai, and Asuma, Hokage Tsunade and Jiraiya. He smiled and greeted them but he still couldn’t understand why they were there. And there was someone missing.

A few seconds later, Iruka appeared through their bedroom door. He looked better than ever before. He was wearing his usual uniform, though now it was perfectly clean, and his ponytail was very neat. His eyes were glowing and his hands shaking. Kakashi felt that his heart was going to burst when he noticed Iruka was starting to kneel.

He took out a small box and opened it. Inside a silver ring was waiting for him. Kakashi’s cheeks, what was visible anyway, went pink, and a tear slipped out of his eye as Iruka said

“Hatake Kakashi, you’re the person I want in my life always. Let me hold you forever. Will you marry me?”

Kakashi nodded with excitement and rushed to kiss his now fiancé. He took his glove off and let him slip the ring into his finger. Everyone cheered and congratulated them. For the first time, Kakashi had the certainty that he would never again be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by Sam Smith's song How do you sleep? Sorry if it had some typos and grammar mistakes, I didn't proofread it. I was too excited to post it.
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos if you liked it <3


End file.
